wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
That’s no pocket rocket.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]