wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I’m giving up ice.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8