Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

I’m not sorry.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.