wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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