Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.