Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.