Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I only eat vegetarians.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
when she block me on everything
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again