Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
