Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on