Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

…

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Good morning y’all ☀️

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.