Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.