WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
9 circles of hell in this economy?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either