[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My birthstone is pecan pie.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
inventing words: clothing
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids