[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*pronounces fake like saké*
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression