[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
So the ex texted me
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
mariah carrie
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.