Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.