Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*