Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”