Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
This is what makes twitter great
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.