Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good