Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.