Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

serving silly goose instead of turkey

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Hey! This isn’t my car!