[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes