Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.