Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Yeah. This was me today.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.