Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Happy Star Wars day!

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

every. time.