Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Planet of the Apps.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky