Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
