Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
