Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
