WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me as a therapist: omg same
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good