Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

titanic

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.