Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*