Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Wednesday

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

i smell a pulitzer

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Was it something I said?

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like