Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)