Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

“No way.” -Jose

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no