[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
worst…sale…ever
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.