Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?