[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Close call…
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.