Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.