Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
