Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
let’s discuss
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
accurate
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
