I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier