Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

This why you should mind your business

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.