Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
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How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: