Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets