Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

Does this dress make me look cat?

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

there’s music for literally every activity

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.