Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

🤣✨#caturday

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*