Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!