Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Stop sending me this shit.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

The cashier just checked me out.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.