Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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