Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early