Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
