Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
