Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
