Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
got so much cardio in today
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
that colleague who touches your screen
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.