Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
🤣🤣🤣