Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.