WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
