Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.