Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way