Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

thank god

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

bought wrong eggs

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”