Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend