Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.