Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”