Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.