Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying