Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.