Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

i can’t work under these festive conditions

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.