@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

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@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@_RealBlondeGirl

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

@Darlainky

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

@XplodingUnicorn

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

@SteveKoehler22

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

@kyle_thatisall

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.