wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Not recommended for beginners.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Ladies, why y’all do this?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.