Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.
That explains why they date women
half their age.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.