Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Ah yes. The three genders

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.