Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jazz hands*

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I put the p in pants.

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.